These are but wild and whirling words. (Unknown)

In my head, I have a picture for everything. A situation, complete with scenery, waiting to be played out. While this is lovely and entertaining and makes me hopefule for pretty much everything in the future, it’s also misleading, frustrating, and wrong. Rarely does anything turn out the way I envision it in my head. I’ve been myself now for 22 years, and the fact that I can’t predict or somewhat sense how things are going to turn out makes me feel like I don’t know myself. Either that, or I still try to live in a world that doesn’t exist, that I have romantacized to the point of false enjoyment.

Now, that being said, I live the unpredictability of life. Without the unknown and unfigurable, life would be boring, tedious, on track, and irritating. I make pictures in my mind of what’s going to happen, how it’s going to, what I would do if …, etc and even though nothing turns out how I hope or imagine or want, life is still amazing.  I think I just need to get over the fact that life happens the way it happens and that is the beauty of it. Nothing can be planned to a T or played out according to “plan” and that’s where the enjoyment lies.

It’s hard, but that’s life. And since it’s not going to change for me, I have to change with it. And that’s just the way I like it.

I was in the one and only health and veggie store Muskoka has to offer the other day searching for an all-natural, organic, fair trade body wash a friend of mine had told me about earlier that day. After I found what I was looking for (which is absolutely marvelous, I might add), I looked around a while longer at the different body washes, shampoos, skin lotions, and ointments (among other things) stocked. A small selection of tubes caught my attention. “Confidence” one said. “Anxiety release” was another. I picked up the containers and saw that they were floral essential oil combinations that were supposed to calm you down, ease your anxiety and panic, boost your self confidence, etc.

As I looked at them and read the ingredients (as mentioned above, just the oils from flowers), I thought about how ridiculous it was to believe a mix of flowers would be able to actually make me feel more confident, or that four drops would make my panic attack diminish. However, the more I thought about the affect flowers have on our bodies and how we view our surroundings, I realized it wasn’t so crazy and illogical as I first thought.

Take a second to list all the reasons we use flowers, all the occasions, all the types, etc.

We send flowers to cheer someone up, to console and congratulate, to add colour and brightness. We buy fresh flowers to decorate and add pleasantness to a room, to attract the eye and impress guests. We even buy arrangements of fake flowers so the look can last longer. We drink tea and juice made with flowers, eat the fruits of others, base colours and smells off flowers, name our children and pets after them. Bugs, birds, and animals sruvive and thrive off flowers. Throughout history we have seen how flowers and plants have had (and still do have) the ability to heal and increase health by being used in medicine and healing processes! The list of the uses goes on and on.

So why not trust that essential oils and runoff from these plants can in fact make our breath come easier, make our confidence rise, and increase our energy! It’s not so far-fetched! Flowers really do have power. I’m glad I recognize this now.

I started summer looking forward to work, looking forward to seeing some friends I hadn’t seen in 8 months while I was away at school, and looking forward to moving to Toronto. Little did I know my summer, which was supposed to be lazy and content and drama-free, has become tedious, over bearing, and drama-filled. I don’t like work, especially with the ridiculous gossiping and imaturity going on. I am never home because I live so far away from town that I just stay in town during my break between my two shifts resulting in being away from home from 7:30 am until 9:30 pm six days a week at a place that I don’t love anymore. My time with Mom and Dad on my last summer in Muskoka is limited to the half hour drive in the morning to work with Mom and the half hour drive from work with Dad. And I am so sick of the behaviour of my co-workers (sometimes myself included) and I don’t like being in an environment like that every day.

Of course, a large part of why I don’t like it here anymore is because my life in Toronto is a mere four weeks away and it couldn’t come fast enough! I just need to get the heck out of this small town and this downhill sliding job and get to my lovely apartment and my new program! I need to be surrounded by new people who know how to act around and treat other people. I know I will always be confronted with drama and people who don’t know what it’s like to be considerate and mature, but as for right now, I’m drowning in this small town. As much as I might miss it when I’m gone, I need a long, long vacation from something that isn’t for me anymore.

Goodnight.

I miss my roommates so much (even the two that are still here!) and I suppose in trying to mask my sadness, I have become irritable, snappy, and on edge. In other words: a bitch. I feel really badly with the way I have been treating Mego and Sara, but I can’t seem to get over myself and start being normal and show them that I’m going to miss them. I’ve hardly seen Sara in a week and when I am with her, she seems so tired and blah I don’t even want to try to make her feel better because I don’t feel like I have the energy to make her feel better when I feel so shitty. With Mego, things are a little better, but I still snap at her. I feel she understands a little more than Sara that I am acting the way I am just because I am sad. And with Mego, she’s trying to be more uplifting and positive so it’s easier to be around her. The point is, I’m just going to miss these ladies so much and I hate feeling sad and on the verge of tears all the time; it’s easier to feel angry than sad.

On top of that, because of the mood I’m in, I feel as though I have no one to talk to (which is why I’m sharing with the few people who read this who I most likely don’t know ha). I don’t feel like I can talk to Nicki because she’s having a good time at home (I think it’s so hard with her because sometimes I feel like she won’t miss me … which is silly), Mego and Sara are just as sad as myself; Haley has so much on her plate; Skylar does too and plus when we chat, I don’t get the chance to bore her with my ridiculous issues; Mom is always there to talk, but the last time we chatted I was so grumpy, nothing she said was helping me – just making me grumpier; and I can’t think of anyone else who would want to listen to this bullshit.

Night night.

I had more to write about, but I didn’t want to ruin my last post of scenes with my everyday life ramblings. Nicki went home this morning. I don’t know the next time I’m going to see her. I have spent the majority of the last four years seeing her and talking to her (not to mention the rest of my roommates) every day, and to suddenly go from that to the uncertainty of our next visit is crushing. I miss her so much already and I know it will just get more depressing, especially when I leave on Saturday morning, not knowing the next time I’ll see Sara and Mego. … And now that I have upset myself, I’ll be on to more cheery topics.

Haley, Jacky, and I have found an apartment I think! Mom, Haley, and I are going to be seeing it on Saturday after Mom picks me up from Thorold. Haley has seen it already, so it’s nice that she’s coming with us. It’s in the perfect location right across from a subway station and a five minute walk to greatness! It’s a brand new building so we’ll be the first to live there if we get it. We’re putting a (refundable) deposit down on it this Saturday to kind of “save” the apartment we want and we will be  filling out applications. If they go through and we get the apartment, I put down first month rent in July and sign the lease for August 1st! I am so brilliantly excited about this! It makes my awaited move to Toronto so much more real! (Did I mention I will have one complete wall of floor to ceiling windows facing south! YAY)

To add to my enthusiasm, I passed the course I was a nervous wreck about this semester! I haven’t taken any extra credits, so I need to pass all the courses this semester to graduate. I found out yesterday that I did pass the one course I was the most worried about! Hoorah! … On to reading, I think.

We all (maybe more so women) have those little scenes in our head: the perfect sunny afternoon stroll down a boardwalk with good company; sitting at a cafe in Paris reading French poetry, drinking coffee, and radiating quiet confidence; the what I like to call “Sex and the City bug” – all you ladies know what I’m talking about; sitting in front of the fire beside the Christmas tree, listening to Christmas carols, and drinking hot chocolate while snow flakes gently fall through the night sky and family hustles and bustles around you; etc.

I am pleased to say I am currently living out one of my favourite scenes. It’s cloudy and rainy on a lazy day. I have no work to do and don’t have to get my ass in gear for three more hours. I’m in cozy clothes in my dark room and I’m listening to great CBC jazz. And I’m blogging/writing. Soon I might lie in bed and read Sense and Sensibility. The only thing missing is looking out my window and seeing the city, but in four short months, that will be a reality.

Then one more (or multiple) of my scenes will be happening.

Mmmm … cello solo.

My mistake: Reading back on some of my posts, I realized I started one off writing, ” … listening to inspiring music (music that inspires me, not music that was written to inspire) …”

My correction: All music was written to inpsire – one person or another, one way or another.

• Wake up to cell phone alarm #1, hit a button on the phone to turn it off, roll over and fall back asleep.
• Wake up again to cell phone alarm #2, hit a button on the phone to turn it off, think about getting up, sigh, roll over and fall back asleep.
• Wake up again to cell phone alarm #3, hit a button on the phone to turn it off, sigh, think about getting up, stretch, roll over, turn off the ready to go alarm clock, roll over, sigh, sit up, and marvel in the joy that there is no work to do or class to attend.
• Go on computer and check MSN, Facebook, e-mail, Scotiabank (in case someone magically deposited some money for me), grade list, and then back to Facebook.
• Go upstairs and make tea and scrounge around kitchen for something to eat.
• Drink tea, go downstairs, get towel, think about doing laundry, shower, brush teeth, finish tea, get dressed, do hair.
• Go back up to kitchen, pretend to think there will be food if I look around again, make more tea.
• Watch t.v.
• Phone Haley, text Nicki, talk to Sara, bug Mego, think about doing laundry, marvel in the joy that there is no work to do or class to attend.
• Put on shoes, get purse in order, put on i-Pod, leave to catch the bus to school.
• Meet up with one friend or another for coffee or tea, enjoy lovely little chit chat and lots of laughs, sip tea, marvel in the the joy that there is no work to do or class to attend.
• Phone Haley, text Mego, talk to Nicki, bug Sara. (I love my roommates.)
• Catch bus home, find some sort of carbohydrate to wolf down for dinner, miss Steve, watch t.v. till bed.
• Go downstairs, check Facebook, e-mail, avoid MSN, go back to Facebook, check Scotiabank, and check Facebook again.
• Go to bathroom, bursh teeth, put up hair, go back to room, check Facebook, marvel in the joy that there is no work to do or class to attend.
• Put on pajamas, put on music, lie in bed thinking about tomorrow: another day in the life.

This afternoon, I handed in my two final essays of my Brock University career, not that they were any good. I have been saying that in a different way all evening and it has yet to hit home. I am done. (Creepy little story: I was typing that word “done” and I typoed and what I wrote was “die” … I am die. … Interesting.) I have no more essays to write, exams to study for, lectures to not attend, seminars to prepare for, or chapters to read! (Not until I start at Centennial, anyway.) I have the next week and a half before I move jam packed with things to do and people to see and I’m very much looking forward to that! One thing in the way: I didn’t get paid on Friday and still have yet to receive my money, which is a pain in my ass since I can’t be here for 10 more days without any cash to do anything! Sigh … I’ll sort that all out tomorrow I hope!

I feel like ranting a tad, since I’m not in the best mood yet. I haven’t talked to one of my best friends in almost a week and she hasn’t called me! And because I’m paranoid, I wonder why not. I know she’s MAD busy with school work till May, but we always find time to chat at least for a couple of minutes. And I know I haven’t called, but she hasn’t called either! I wish I wasn’t such a worrier. Another little rant. I shouldn’t have to stay friends with someone who I know I am not really friends with just because I am afraid that he is so emotional, he’ll snap in one way or another and I’ll feel horrible and be the one to blame. I couldn’t live with that, so here I am forced to live with a false cheery friend-vibe. Gah.

And now on to the future! I couldn’t be more excited about work this summer with my PKL gals, spending some time at home, making some money, waitressing – should be grand! I also can’t wait to apartment search in Toronto! Then finally move in September! Three and a half months … wow. Time flies. Everyone says it, but that’s because it’s too true. Where has my life gone? At least I hopefully still have plenty of it to live! I wonder what I will come out of Centennial College doing. The course co-ordinator said that since there are three main sectionns of the program (Book and Magazine Publishing), editing, publishing, and sales and marketing, some people want to go  in with one job in mind, and come out wanting something different. I’m quite certain I was to be an editor, since I love to do it and I’m good at it, but you never know what will happen during the next year that might make me change my mind.

I haven’t written any poetry lately, but I suppose now I have the time to! I think I will do that tonight … yes, I will. I will need some inspiring music, I think. But what …

Facebook has finally done it. It has pissed me off to the point where I no longer want to use it. What a ridiculous waste of my fucking time. It might be because I’m feeling particularly bitter today, or that I am not so fond of people in general at this moment, or that I am dying for a little human contact, but for crying out loud, what a redundant waste of my life. A waste of the last three years. If I spend about two hours a day on Facebook (on average) and there are 365 days in a year (sometimes I’m not so sure) then for the last three years, I have wasted 2, 190 hours of my life on this lame excuse of a communicative web site.  10% of the last three years … my own fault, I realize. And now I’m saying it’s enough.

I’m not denying I didn’t enjoy many of those hours or that Facebook has in fact helped me keep in contact with friends and make dates and meetings, etc, but life is already too fleeting. Why have I spent so much of my time typing away, looking at pictures, commenting on said photos, etc and so on, when it’s not going to matter in a year. For example, when you clicked wall-to-wall, you got the opportunity to see all the wall posts between you and a particular person. Now, however, you can only view a percentage of those posts. I understand that what happened two years ago is not super important, but I don’t like how I can no longer see my conversations with friends.

Actually, it was when I realized how upset I was about this, I decided perhaps I was spending too much time on Facebook. I was away all weekend, didn’t check my account once, and truthfully, I’m not missing much. I think it’s almost time to give up good ol’ Facebook. I’ve been aiming for a more mature lifestyle anyway – one where I act my age and not like a 15 year old, as I feel these days. And what better way to start than cutting this waste of time out of my life. If you would like to contact me, you could phone me, write me, or e-mail me. I think I’m worth more than a one second search, a ten second message, and an assumed instant reply. You are, too.